I Really Thought I Was Lazy
The greatest journey in life is the journey of self-discovery. (Unknown)
About 6–7 years ago I was deeply struggling to finish my PhD thesis.
I was more than convinced that I am lazy and disorganised.
I read articles and watched videos for hours about “how not to be lazy”, “how to get organised”, “how to stop procrastinating”.
I thought that was my problem.
In reality, if we check the facts and the evidence.. how lazy can one actually be when they sign up for a PhD program when raising two young daughters (I was pregnant and had a 2 year old when I started the course) and running an intense flourishing hospitality business.
Well I discarded the evidence. I ignored the facts.
Everything happening in my life seemed so obvious, so natural, with low effort. Yet I was not able to pull myself together to work on my thesis.
I simply concluded that THE PROBLEM WAS CLEARLY MYSELF. By the end of the day, it was me who was procrastinating!
Long story short.
I was procrastinating cause my IMPOSTER SYNDROME kicked in strongly and loudly.
I was so afraid of failure.
And, I was equally afraid of success.
What if I was not capable of completing PhD?
What if I did succeed and then what? What else I would have to do for them not to discover that I not actually on that level?
PROCRASTINATION was my copying mechanism..
Of course, at the time I did not know this.
I probably did not know much about imposter syndrome.
And of course, like most (people who are feeling like) IMPOSTERS, I also used the deadline pressure as my coping mechanism.
It was only by the time when I was under huge time pressure, that I sat down and completed my thesis once and for all.
[ Who uses this copying mechanism knows first-hand that if things do not work out well, we have always the excuse of “I didn’t have enough time!” “I did it last minute!”]
Clare Josa, the UK’s leading authority on Imposter Syndrome, has based on her research compiled a model of 4P-s to detect the early signs of imposter syndrome (Perfectionism, Procrastination, Project Paralysis, People Pleasing).
If only had I known this sooner.. I would have saved myself from so much mental pressure and stress!
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
HAS ANY OF THIS HAPPENED TO YOU?
Self-awareness and self-knowledge are such powerful tools for living a calmer and happier life. In case you suspect you occasionally also suffer from imposter syndrome, then do not hesitate to sign up for my 4-week imposter syndrome email challenge (imposter syndrome related theory for increasing your awareness and simple worksheets for self-reflection)
